Newton's Laws of Figs

I just ate a Fig Newton and thought of the statue of David.  The real David (not the marble version by Michelangelo) did not wear a stitch but did carry a belt, usually slung casually over his shoulder, sort of pre-GQ, a pose male models have adopted rather shamelessly since that time.  Most people believe he slew giants, but this is a misperception that has gained momentum on the internet over the past few years.  In actuality, he was a simple farmer who grew up on a fig plantation in southern Italy.  It is known that he met Sir Isaac Newton, a lawyer, who was wandering the countryside discovering physics, when Newton, who had fallen asleep under one of the fig trees, was hit on the head by a fig.  David had been practicing his pitching motion, using figs since they were so abundantly available there in the orchard.

By now you have guessed correctly that Fig Newtons are named after the man wrote the laws of motion, especially after David hit him on the head with one, which hurt a lot.  Pain is often the precursor to invention.

As you may also know, figs can be construed as apples if you really squint.  Newton, being English, had never seen figs before, but he had certainly seen apples.  The fig that collided with his skull was so painful that he believed it had actually been a much more solid missile, an apple.  To this day, we have been led to believe that the original beaning Newton experienced was actually by an apple.  Now you know the truth.

If Newton hadn't described laws of motion, including falling apples, we might never have been able to play pool or ride in bumper cars.  That would have changed summer carnivals as we know them.  So, here's a problem for you physics fans:  Suppose David was carrying a pool stick instead of the belt.  Say he was out looking for a game of pool and no one would take him up on it because he was such a well-built fellow and intimidated all the beer swillers at the pool hall.  I mean, you show up looking like that, and you probably aren't going to get any takers, naked or not.  Here's the question:  Would models still pose in the same way?  It's quite an open-ended question, and at the next physics convention being held this fall in Sheboygan, this will be addressed and hopefully solved once and for all.

So, David goes to his fig orchard, grabs a few of the figs and starts throwing them around, just to pass the time.  Then, he notices that his purse/belt thing can be used to throw the figs pretty far, so he practices and throws them extremely far, gets in the Guinness Book of World Records, and then hires an agent who signs him up for a Nike contract and the pro fig-flinging circuit.  He goes worldwide and eventually faces a nasty-looking Viking or Cyclops or some awful stinking troglodyte in Las Vegas.  He wins, gets written up in the Bible, and Nike gives him a bonus.  No problem.

Then, David realizes he's the only guy around with no clothes on, and since it's pretty cold in Oslo where the fig-flinging World Championships will be held, he'd better get some on.  So, he trots back home to the farm again, and there is the familiar fig orchard.  Having just trotted, he's pretty warm and doesn't really want clothes after all, but certain of his anatomy tends to cool down faster than the rest, so he takes a fig leaf and places it just so, thereby inventing the first Euro-style men's bikini.  He, being an Italian (remember, Michelangelo invented him), looks good in the leaf and he starts a new line of fig-leaf clothing.  More fame, more glory.  He invites Newton to the fig flinging championships so he can witness his laws in motion.  And the rest is history.

Newton, being a lawyer, keeps writing laws and people realize they must obey them or find themselves at odds with all of nature including figs, which have been falling from trees ever since.