Writing Resolution

I read about different writers who are considered a success, significant in some way, creative and ingenious.  I was told I might be able to write and make some sense now and again, but the trouble was a lack of belief and resolve to jump into the fray and begin.  I have a bookshelf next to my bed piled up with books that I see when I open my eyes every morning first thing.  There are a lot of books.  The stack is high.

I think to myself, "A writer sat at a table for a lot of hours, a very large number of hours, to make that book and that book and that one.  What are you going to do?"

I got the brilliant idea to start a blog nearly two years ago and kind of liked the idea.  Then, I was A Blogger.  I only impressed myself, believe me.  If you look, you'll see I didn't write every day in 2009.  I kind of toyed with the idea.  I noticed that writers were saying that they write every day. I felt dismayed because I wasn't doing that, but I liked the idea of calling myself a writer.  But, when I said it, I knew I was lying.  I felt intense admiration for writers who had successfully published good books, but it was obvious that what they were doing and what I was doing were two very different things.  They practiced writing.  It was their discipline, just like any other physical or mental discipline.

A year ago, come New Year's Eve two days from now, I finally decided it was high time to walk my talk and get down to business.  Time to take on the practice of writing.  So I made a resolution.  The promise was:  Write every day of the year, no excuses.

So I did.

Oh, my poor husband.  He supported and encouraged my journey, but I don't think he knew he was helping create a monster.

The more I wrote, the more I realized I had no idea what was required to know.  Big gaping holes in my knowledge of writing - the craft - yawned before me.  Terms I'd never heard of were bandied about by writers, left and right.  I think I fell in and nearly drowned with embarrassment. What was a trope, a precis, a koan?  Would it be possible to write anonymously?  With a bag figuratively placed over my head to maintain my invisibility? I barely grasped point of view or plot structure. What the heck is passive and active voice?  Writers had agents, editors, publishers, and web pages.  They went on book tours, spoke to groups, and they wrote.  A lot.

In late winter or early spring, I noticed that Belle Yang mentioned Red Room on Facebook, so I checked it out and asked to join.  Bless their hearts, they let me, and I felt both like a poseur and a very thrilled neophyte.  On Red Room, writers generously discussed their ideas, writing practice and successes; they shared wisdom and misgivings.  One author, Jessica Barksdale Inclan, posted the name of a writing workshop in Northern California's Lost Coast area. It was a big step, and I hesitated to go, but I finally signed on and spent the best week of the summer in the company of other writers.  It was another huge  step for me.

Frustration accompanied my excitement and amazement.  I work full time in nursing and find myself being jealous of my time, unwilling to squander it on other hobbies and work when I could be writing.  Of course, if I write all the time, I have nothing to write about, so I have to not write, too.  I have to live in order to write.  But, I find I am writing in order to feel enlivened.

I took a short-story writing class this past Fall and learned some more.  Gradually, I'm weeding through my ideas, just like a gardener thrashing through a weed patch, preparing it for spring planting.

Something will come of all this writing, something more than daily postings on my blog.  Possibility is the one thing I have come to believe in.  That and balance.

My husband has taught me a lot about surrender, giving up the resistance to change, understanding that I am not in charge here.  I have just set the ball rolling with writing, but I am very certain that I do not really call the shots; I am just holding the stick while something else guides it to hit the cue ball, (to extend a metaphor).

My resolution of writing daily, making it a habit, is one of the few promises I have ever kept through the course of a year.  In my whole meandering life, this blog is the result of a successful New Year resolution.  It is humbling and exciting and mysterious, but that's pretty much what creativity always is.  Just like a garden, I am sowing seeds.  I just don't know yet what the harvest will be.

Thank you very much for reading.