Something's Missing

I am rested after all the walking in the morning. My legs and feet have ceased their complaints finally. It's time to get out again. My husband rejoins me after being gone on business all day, declares his stomach empty, a need to fill it. I tell him about my walkabout, confident that I can suggest dinner at any number of places nearby. Paley's Place is so close that I can hear the kitchen clattering, and Marrakesh (Moroccan food) is about to float up into the night air on its own cloud of cumin, cardamom and lamb braising with onions.

No, they will not do tonight, he says. We ramble up Northrup to NW 23rd St and turn left toward the cafes I'd seen earlier. There are young people sitting, strolling, texting and chatting everywhere we look. Cars make their way hesitantly up the street, progress interrupted by jaywalkers and couples on the move. Pizza, burgers, pubs, more pizza (including Escape From New York, which would be my choice if you were to ask me, based on the way pizzas were getting slung about by young men with interesting haircuts) and finally Santa Fe Tacqueria. Bingo!

Santa Fe has a barn-like interior with spray-painted murals of heroic Aztecs frowning down on us from all the walls. The food crew are quick as cats. These are cheap eats, in distinct contrast to high-end Higgins the night before. It seems we shall average out our expenses to about mid-range after all. The place, empty when we arrive, quickly fills, the energy rising in the room along with the decibel level. It's a place that could just as easily push back the few middle tables, put on some salsa music and attract a partying crowd. I inhale a ceviche tostada and his carne asada burrito evaporates in mere minutes. We are happy.

Out into the night, we walk along and window shop, talk about the day, compare this place to Berkeley, Santa Cruz, and other college towns. It has all the usual high notes: pizza, coffee joints, pubs, New Age bookstores, high end corporate stores and foodie havens.

We surprise ourselves and begin to plan our breakfast destination. With full stomachs. At the end of the day. Right?

I continue to feel that I have not really discovered anything yet, except that I am interested in finding the heart and soul of Portland. It isn't here. There is a cushion of safety and connectedness here in the Northwest End that is pleasant for a vacation. I feel complacent here in this part of town, pretty as it is. I have found no local art yet and no evidence of anything distinctly different than other college towns with affluent students. Not complaining, mind you, but I am aware I am still hunting for something from the blood, sweat and tears of the place. Is it a reflection of my own inner search? Travel almost always is a parallel journey, the outer reflecting the inner one.

On Foot in NW Portland

I am on foot today in NW Portland, and it's time to get out there and see it. Being alone in a city for the first time in a year or two makes me feel, oh, like my compass is spinning a bit. Time to case the neighborhood, orient myself and see what's going on.

Up Northrup Street two blocks from my hotel (Inn at Northrup Station), I walk east to find the boundaries of the neighborhood and then north again, uphill. The eastern boundary is easy to find as prosperity dwindles down to a sparse and barren area that abuts a freeway. Going north there are clots of cafes and neighborhood businesses. Homes that I guess date to about 1910 predominate. Virtually all are well kept and attractive, indicating some kind of money in regular doses being applied to maintenance and upkeep. Young women with the fixed gaze of connected effort trot by. Parents with strollers are on the move, shoving the complicated baby movers ahead of themselves. Their chins jut a bit; they look inspired, righteous. It's Saturday midmorning, and the day is in full swing.

I walk up a gradual incline along what seems like miles of straight lanes lined with beautiful elm, poplar and maple trees. The neighborhood is well established, a little lumpy in the sidewalks and pleasing. After taking a zig-zag route I turn left and soon find a large pretty park where children are yelling happily as they rush away from their parents. Dogs are corralled in a large dog park under more leafy elms and a group of young men are playing flag football. It's a modern tableau representing young urbanism, filled with health, vigor and self-aware coolness. America is doing well here it appears. I turn left again and go back downhill, past more handsome Victorian homes and Arts and Crafts bungalows. It's very appealing, this successful and vigorous lifestyle playing out all around me. Youth is on the move, on its way to a safe middle age someday.

On 23rd Avenue, the business community is shaking out its doormats and flipping signs around, from "closed" to "open." I see a tall hill behind them that locals call Nob Hill, a prominent ridge that affords a grand overlook for miles around. That's where the enormous mansions reside, easily dwarfing even the most substantial residences I've been walking among all morning. Down along this avenue, cafes and pubs stand shoulder to hip. I try to imagine their crowds later in the evening. I am in a walking mood and keep moving. From the look of it, all citizens have set forth in jog bras and Nike shoes.

Ahead of me, one man is talking loudly, frowning, glaring at trees and fences, paranoid about the coming wrath of God and shaking his fist at impassive storefronts. They are silent. He finds no fight, shuffles through shadows along the sidewalk, anomalous amid the chic.

The sun is coming out, and I am working up my usual sweat, wishing I had brought something to mop my face. I am not a delicate rose that simply glows. My hair is damp and my face has rivulets. I've only been walking at a moderate pace. Imagine if I'd been running.

Taking this new distress as a sign to slow down, I am delighted to find a chocolate cafe. Having mostly sworn off of sugar and flour, I hesitate for a nanosecond and then yield to the seduction of Moonstruck Chocolate. Far better than coffee, I am convinced, is a small delicious Mayan Dark Hot Chocolate. I'm not sure how, but I manage not to buy any of their beautiful truffles. I might go back. It's likely.

I am refreshed, but if I sit any longer, I'll stiffen up and be unable to move. The rest of the walk is meandering, in and out of shops, up and down side streets until my legs and feet finally protest so loudly I cannot ignore them. I want to watch people and see how Portland - at least Northwest Portland - takes on life. The challenges they experience are not evident today. It is all a serene and harmonious morning. I will have to look further to find another layer of Portland life I suppose. A city this size must have more to offer than this perfection.

It is 80 degrees, nearly the end of September in Portland, Oregon, where I sit now, writing. I've just arrived, and I'm getting my bearings, looking for a point of beginning, a place to leave myself behind and see what's really here.

What happens next? It's a good question to ask myself. I am used to certain features of traveling: packing, looking online for things that might interest me, looking at maps and weather reports. But, I like to see what it feels like in a new place, let the place take me by the heart and lead me around. There may be an embrace, a fit of anger, and there may be a long relationship that begins. Who knows.

For me, a pretty quiet person, an introvert really, what piques my interest is listening to voices, seeing the landscapes and cityscapes as three-dimensional art in real time, feeling the movement and energy around me, and letting it move me. It's as much physical as emotional, internal and external. I travel; I learn.

Portland moves as cities usually do, with pace and sound. It has a pride and sense of itself that derives from its geology and geography. Big hills roll up and away from its big rivers, and grand mansions stand on high promontories above the riverbanks. The symmetrically arranged grid pattern of suburban streets and avenues further away are interrupted by the random wandering paths of streams and rivers.

It's Indian Summer, a warm incongruity that doesn't seem to match my vague idea of what the northwest should be. On a day so warm and languid as this one, the complaints I've heard of rain upon rain upon moist cold ring false. From what I see around me, this is a fine, easy town, used to warmth and an outdoor lifestyle.

What did I do today?

I arrived. That's an accomplishment sometimes, I have to say. There was a bland lack of challenge in it at first, but Portland doesn't sit around for long, waiting for a person to wake up to it. There is energy here, not restless and unruly so much as undaunted by problems, a town walking into its future with intention. That sounds odd to me to say after only a brief time walking along its streets, but the set of the shoulders, the pace and look of the populace tells me that it is more that than not.

I didn't really get a sense of Portland ahead of time except that friends told me it's a pretty town (it is) and that there are good street cars and light rail (there is). Maybe I will admit to believing that Portland is a funny mix of tree huggers and rednecks. It might turn out to be, but I need to have a look, feel it out. Definitely, I did not expect the torpid heat.

But, that's the point of traveling. You get your mind set on an expectation so easily. Then, things pop up differently than you'd planned, so you have to listen more closely, see what's around you, learn it for what it really is. Lots of trees shade the streets. People are out walking, cycling, sitting in cafes, riding street cars and talking to each other. There is an air of self-acceptance and something else here. Independence?

I photographed roses by the millions in the International Rose Test Garden, rode the street cars around town and ate at a lovely restaurant (see? I am not a cagey, thrifty traveler!) called Higgins. I walked for awhile, heard young buskers playing plaintively on street corners that echoed the sounds of their violins and horns. I wore the wrong shoes, got a blister, and reveled in the warm night air despite the discomfort of my feet.

I am sitting here late at night, listening to the same echoing rumble I might hear at the shore of my own town when the waves of the ocean break, but there is the sound of humanity out there in Portland, voices and engine sounds coming through the night air in similar waves. In the morning I will wade in, up to my heart, up to my eyes and ears.

An Avalanche of Irritations? No, Just A Reason To Give

Do you ever think about those little things around the house that you put up with all the time, that you never really fix? I just noticed about three things as I got up from my computer. Three pretty simple things to fix that if I were to change them or replace them, would probably make me really happy.

I have cute drawer knobs but they always work themselves loose and wobble when I use them.

The ice cream scooper is funky and doesn't really scoop very well.

There's a stain on the rug and it's faded, an inexpensive throw rug by the back door that I've had for a good number of years.

I'll bet I have about $15.95 in repairs or replacements right there in that little list, and I'd be pleased as can be if I did something about them.

I know at least one man, my uncle, who takes such excellent care of every tiny thing in his home that you'd swear the place was just built last year. It was built in the 50's. He keeps a mental list of each thing that needs maintenance and replacement and gets them done. It's really pretty remarkable. Maybe he goes overboard, but I prefer to think of him as an inspiration. The thing is, though, I wish I would remember to be inspired while the cupboard knobs were twirling in my grip or the ice cream scooper was making tiny ineffectual divots in my double chocolate ice cream.

When an avalanche begins to rumble down a steep alpine slope, its weight has reached critical mass and overcome inertia and friction, yielding to gravity and releasing a huge amount of energy. If I ever notice the spinning knob to a point where it feels like it will just come off in my hand, I suppose I'll overcome inertia and go to the store to find the proper washers I should have installed in the first place. Or when I'm at a store like the ever-wonderful Williams-Sonoma or Sur La Table I'll see a terrific ice cream scooper and buy it. The stars and planets will be aligned, candles will have been lit and I will feel the delightful surge of inspiration and happy mental focus that will culminate in a purchase. But, you know what? I'll probably give it away as a gift.

Oddly, and most often, the urge to upgrade my own things usually transforms itself into a desire to buy something new for someone else, not myself, who probably would love to have a new this or that. For instance I bought my sister a new garlic press I liked a lot, thinking to myself she really could use it, but I didn't buy one for myself, even though I liked it quite a lot. It made me happy to give it to her. I've bought a lot of things and given them away as gifts. And then I just go on overlooking those little things that could stand a bit of fixing. They don't bother me enough yet, I guess. Yes, I do think that's odd and a little nuts. If I were a more irritable person, they would be making me crazy. Me? They make me want to give someone else a cool gift. It's just the way I am.

Small Alohas in Oahu

I'm thinking back to my recent visit to Oahu at the beginning of the month, with nothing clearly important to say about it except that it was exactly what I needed to do for myself. So, I'll give you bits of aloha that I carried back with me.

I was in Honolulu for a week to visit loved ones. At one point, early in the week, I met a lady called Auntie by her friends, a short, roundish island woman who gives out warm embraces like others give out business cards, only I like the hugs much better. She asked me how long I'd be on island. When I told her "only one week," her face looked concerned, sad, and sincerely empathetic. "Oh, you really must stay so much longer than that. We are so laid back here. You cannot get the feel of it here in only one short week."

She hugged me and wished me much aloha. Like everyone who meets her, I smiled and wished she could be my auntie forever.

I swam at Sans Souci Beach a few times, and one morning as I was drying off I looked up high above me and saw white soft clouds tumbling slowly. Three white terns stitched along the edges of the clouds, perfect white against dark blue. The silent ballet far overhead was exquisitely peaceful.

I hiked the mile and a half through dense rainforest on the Pu'u Pia Trail to a point above the Manoa valley that offers a pretty vista including the steep tree-covered walls and peaks to the north and Honolulu to the south. Along the way, strawberry guava groves and ginger blossoms stood in counterpoint to almost solid green. I was sweating like mad, as I invariably do in any kind of humidity, but it felt great to exert myself. It's considered an easy trail by young men but would be a challenge for those with a tendency to trip over roots or twist ankles on loose rocks. I wore the same sandals as on the Kalalau Trail on Kauai, the indestructible Ecco sport sandals I have had for over six years. I saw only four other people on that weekday morning, including my hiking companion. Birdsong was a symphony of bright twittering sound, almost magical. Later, I sat in the shade of an enormous banyan tree at the Chinese Cemetery overlooking the same valley. They say there is perfect fang shui energy there. I am not going to argue. Peace and tranquility seem to have been invented there.

The immediacy of nature in the islands creates a much different balance between human beings and their environment than you can sense in cities and towns across the mainland. Life is circular, cyclical and rhythmic in Hawaii. The ocean and the wind always have the final word in any discussion. Mauka way, toward the mountains, is centering, literally. You look up to the center and highest points of the island, downward and outward the shore and then the far horizons where the Pacific stretches to infinity. Rain can pound hard and flash floods accelerate the degradation of the mountain slopes over time. What was once a mountain ridge or a coral reef becomes flat beach sand that is incessantly tumbled by waves.


I swam at Sans Souci or Ala Moana Regional Park beach every midmorning. One day I made a trip to Fresh Cafe to have an acai bowl. I was salt encrusted and felt pretty mellow after my swim, found the recommended little place on Montserrat, ordered and waited. The walls stood testament to the surfing-is-my-religion lifestyle of the cafe's patrons, young locals with their kids alike, all of us patiently anticipating our treat. Jawaiian music played and flip flops were everywhere. A large brown plastic Buddha smiled at me, he draped in plastic leis and surrounded by grainy, out-of-focus snapshots of what probably were pretty sunsets. I got back home later and realized what a mess I looked but did not care. No one knew me and will not likely see me again, incognito beach slob that I was.

We dressed up one night - skirt instead of shorts - but stuck to flip flops, and went to Town Restaurant in Kaimuki, a neighborhood of Honolulu. The Town slogan fits so well:  "Local first, organic whenever possible, with Aloha always." You know how you hear people singing karaoke at local pubs and think, "well, that was pretty okay?" and then hear Etta James sing "At Last?" That's the difference between nice food and Town's food. It's the real deal, the whole package. Young talented chef, integrity, vision, style, young energy and attention to detail. So, we had lovely fine drinks, food that nourished our hearts and souls and then walked home in the warm Hawaiian evening with our shirts fluttering in the playful breeze. We could not have asked for better and were very well pleased with it all.

It feels like whatever love is, the island winds and oceans tumble and splash with it. The moon rises up through it in the nighttime and the sun bursts forth with it in the morning in neon explosions of color. Auntie's dismay at the news of my brief time in the islands was born of her lifelong knowledge that love and aloha are at home in the small things of life in Hawaii.

I promised Auntie I will return; I would anyway even if I had not promised her. I must, for so many reasons, but most of all - aloha.